Written submission from a member of the public (SPP0003)

Sexual assault and harassment? I’m [in my early sixties], mostly Caucasian, with a little Native American, biologically female, although I consider myself more non-binary. Thank God sexual harassment, and assault, rarely happens anymore in my life. Out of 5 of my close friends in […] class, 4 of us have been sexually harassed in our lives. Chronologically, here’s my history.

              Likely I was sexually abused by father when [under 10], but it’s been repressed. What I do remember:

              Age [under 18] - encouraged to cut class with year older boyfriend. He drove us to abandoned house. To my surprise, he raped me. Date rape. I was shattered. Shied away from him after.

              Age [18-24] - State employment board sent me to fast-food job, [description]. Cook trapped me in walk-in refrigerator, spoke almost no English, except “you like kiss-kiss? You like 69?” I escaped, but he persisted, groping, fondling me repeatedly as I walked by. He was boss’s cousin, and owner/ boss had pressed his body against mine in storage area. I quit after 2 weeks. State threatened to withhold unemployment benefits because I quit. Embarrassed, kept quiet. Didn’t know anyone I could say anything to. No recourse.

              Age [18-24] - Worked in [department] within large supermarket. Better pay, enjoyed it, could schedule hours around college classes. After a few months, supervisor started making advances. Hugging, then kissing me - full on my mouth, with tongue, in his office. Said his wife didn’t understand him. He wound up coming over to my house, visiting me regularly, having sex with me. I didn’t want to, but didn’t want to lose my good job. I was afraid if I refused him, I lose my job and get a bad reference. Tried to politely discourage him, but wasn’t effective. Scared, and uncomfortable, yet confused, and sort of enjoyed some attention - but didn’t want that much, or kind, of involvement. Young, and didn’t know what to do, where to turn. Kept quiet, and eventually transferred to another store. Safe there.

              Age [18-24] - Worked as [job title], in [department]. Liked job a lot, loved animals, always different, good pay. Did date one of my co-workers, but that was consensual for both of us, and we were the same age. However, a much older male employee, a [job title], kept heavily flirting with me. He pressured me to go to his house after work, saying it was just to have a drink, and he wouldn’t “do anything.” I trusted him, as I was young and naive. So, I stopped by his [location] one afternoon. He grabbed me, and kept pressing up against me. I thought of an excuse, that I had to leave, and did quickly. He tried to stop me, but I basically ran out. At work, too, he’d lift up his false teeth with his tongue, and say how much pleasure I’d get from him eating my vagina (much more crudely stated). After I’d refused his sexual advances at his house, he got really vindictive at work.

              The next Sunday, had a small crew, with no supervisors.  As soon as I started work, went to pick up my calls, this older male [job title] handed me one that he said was really important, and I had to handle it right away. It was a call at [location], with no radio reception [location]. He said it was just a dead baby seal to pick up, from a lifeguard. We routinely removed dead animals [details]. So, I didn’t think anything of it. Then, when I went back to the vehicle yard, to get my van, two [colleagues] were pulling the dog cages out of the back of my assigned vehicle. I was a bit puzzled, but accepted it. Apparently [job title] had told them to pull the steel box cages.

              After driving the 30 miles, and around winding ocean cliffs, down steep inclines to the beach, I arrived. A couple of lifeguards were on site, surprised, and upset, that only a petite female had arrived. One angrily said, “I TOLD him to send a couple strong men. I TOLD him what we had.” I turned to see a 500 - 600 lb., very dead, somewhat decomposing, sea lion on the sand. Using a skiploader, heavy boat ropes, the 3 of us struggled to muscle it into my extra long utility van. Its head wedged between the front bucket seats, nestled against the center console. We tried, but couldn’t get the whole carrion inside. Its thick brown tail hung out and down another 3 feet. The lifeguards tied my rear doors together, as tightly shut as they could, but still they remained open at least 2 ½ feet wide.

              I made slow progress back to the shelter, hanging my head out the open window, trying not to gag, nor vomit, due to the stench. Half way back, I stopped at a neighborhood store, to get a soda, and meet up with my 2 [job title] buddies - the ones who’d pulled the cages, and were now on patrol. They disgustedly said it was obvious the [job title] “had it in for” me, and had intentionally set me up. I agreed, and thought about my refusing the older male [job title]’s advances, only a few nights before. I don’t remember if I told my friends about it. I tried not to wretch much on the remaining 15 miles to the shelter. I vowed to keep my distance, and be very careful, wary, around that unscrupulous [job title].

              It never occurred to me to report him to my supervisors. He was my superior, and would undoubtedly lie, plus tell them that I’d gone to his house - so I was leading him on, or some such nonsense. Surely it would look bad for me, and I didn’t want to risk losing my job. So, I just kept an eye out, and learned.

              Age [25-30] - Worked as a paralegal, in a prosperous law firm in [location]. Good pay, benefits, health care, was able to work 3/4 time, and schedule my hours around college classes, as I put myself through college. A rare opportunity. The [job title], took a liking to me. He took me out to lunch, and later dinner. On numerous occasions. He’d hug and kiss me (deep tongue), especially in his large [car’s] bench front seat. He’d fondle my breasts, and move my hand onto his crotch. I tried to be coy, and gently avoid his advances. I didn’t want any of this, but I knew I’d never find as good a job, in this smaller college town. So, I went along with my married boss’s sexual harassment, and repeated advances, over months. It was extremely uncomfortable and unpleasant. Again, I didn’t know what to do, where to turn. This was 1982, woman were still basically second class citizens in many ways - pay, treatment, etc. So, I kept quiet, put up with it, as best I could. I worked there a year or two. Had an accident outside, could no longer work, got a little disability income, so was finally able to escape boss’ sexual advances.

              Age [30-35] - Moved to [location] area, got married [details]. After a few years, we started having intense arguments. They got more heated. After one particularly vicious fight, he threw me down in the bathroom and raped me. There was nothing sexual about it, it was purely his asserting his power over me. He was frustrated, angry, and took it out on me. The relationship was never the same after. My trust was destroyed.

              Age [45-50] - A lesbian Caucasian girlfriend [age 45-50] was repeatedly sexually harassed by her female supervisor. Unwanted touching, advances, comments, pressure for sexual favors. She tried to talk with co-workers, but they couldn’t, or wouldn’t, understand. My friend was very upset. This is an aspect of sexual harassment that’s rarely mentioned. However, this same friend was also repeatedly sexually abused as a child, from [ages], by her uncle, in [location]. Another friend, [background], was regularly sexually abused, from [ages], by her uncles in [location]; later, a male burglar tried to rape her [event].

              Age [50-55] - Worked as a paralegal, for a good female attorney. However, our mutual boss, the [job title] partner, was a judgmental devout [religion]. He kept asking my direct boss, whether I was a lesbian (I’m not), repeatedly. She told me about it a few times, and that she’d evaded his questions as she felt they were inappropriate. After working 1 1/2 years, I got very sick, with high fever and flu, and was off work for 2 weeks. Finally, I was barely well enough to return to work. Just about to leave home for work, and the phone rang. It was the [job title], telling me I didn’t need to come to work, I was fired. To pick up my things, they’d give me 2 weeks’ pay, but I didn’t need to go to work anymore. I protested, but he’d made up his mind. My direct supervisor said she was very disappointed, would give me a good reference, and I’d been an excellent worker. It was the [job title]’s decision - who didn’t even work in our satellite office. It seemed my illness, was an excuse for him to fire the perceived lesbian. Guess that’s really discrimination, and not overt sexual harassment.

              Age [60-65] - Retired. New neighbor invited me over, to visit, and watch a video. I thought his offer a bit strange, but I accepted it, to be polite, and get to know the newcomer. Also, by this advanced age, I know how to fend off inappropriate behavior early - although I didn’t slightly suspect that he’d make unwelcome advances when he invited me. If I had, I wouldn’t have accepted. I brought a few videos to choose from, a jar of salsa, a bag of tortilla chips. He arrived later, ignoring his chained dog. I followed him up his steps.

              The cabin was small, the only place to watch a video was from his bed. Immediately I felt uncomfortable, and asked for a chair. He hemmed and hawed, and didn’t produce one. Told him I didn’t want to sit on his bed to watch a movie. He protested, said he’d be a gentleman, wasn’t like that, and in fact was a “protector” of women, protected people from bullies. Talked at length about that. So, I sat on the edge of his bed to watch tv. He stretched out, lying full on the bed. I moved to the outside, to eat salsa and chips - he hadn’t contributed any food, but I kept an eye on him. He kept reassuring me. I relaxed a bit, thought maybe I was being overly cautious. During the movie he fell asleep.

              He woke up later, and told me how attracted he was to me, and made numerous overtures to try to get me to have sex with him. I stood up, the movie had just finished, and said I needed to leave. He leapt up, and suddenly embraced me. Holding me firmly, saying he just wanted a kiss. I kissed him quickly on the cheek, and tried to push him away from me. He held me more firmly, and began to kiss me on the mouth, probing with his tongue. I kept my teeth closed, and turned my head. He kept trying to reassure me that he wouldn’t do anything I didn’t want (although he already had), that he thought I was very attractive [descriptions of people].

              Firmly I pushed him away, thanked him for the evening, grabbed my video, left one (which I didn’t care about, but implying I’d see him again, so he’d back off), and quickly left. I will never go to his house again. I wave politely if he drives by. However, I did tell 2 of my neighbors about my experience with our new “creepy guy” neighbor. I don’t keep quiet anymore.

              In her 80's and 90's, my grandmother ([background]), joked about her own way of preventing sexual harassment and assault. when she was in her 60's and 70's (after my grandfather died), she had a code with her neighbor. If a man was making unwanted advances, she’d call the other and say, “have you got your red pants on?” The words, “red pants” were the code - so the neighbor would immediately race over and intervene. They had a mutual agreement to use this code to protect each other, as single elderly women.

              These are all the experiences I can think of. There may be more, but I tend to be a bit forgetful these days. However, the events I’ve written about are emblazoned in my mind, and are still somewhat disturbing to remember. Being relatively powerless, and having been non-consensually taken advantage of by more powerful ones, leaves lasting impressions in one’s life. So, I couldn’t stand back, and continue to be quiet. I’m so glad, and proud, of all the women, and people, that have spoken up.

              Please remember though, that it’s not only women that are harassed and assaulted sexually. I have transgender female, and gay male, friends who’ve been attacked, raped, harassed, repeatedly.  My step-brother was repeatedly sexually abused as a child, in [location]. He still has emotional scars.

              It’s about power, the powerful preying on subordinates, really rarely about sex. Just like child abuse. Non-consensual, unbalanced, unfair. We need “zero tolerance” in society.

              We need to include all the powerless that are bullied, harassed, assaulted, abused by the more powerful, and let the bullies know that it’s no longer acceptable. No more “little secrets”, or “family’s dirty laundry”. When it’s kept quiet, the abusers feel safe to do it again. Let’s stop this cycle together, speak up, and evolve into a more just, safe, global community.

January 2018